The whole point of this blog was for me to open up and lay my soul to bare so that I could actively help myself get better through a ‘creative outlet’ so why does it feel so hard to do?
When I think back through my late teenage years I can see just how big a part anxiety played on my life but I’d just dismiss those feelings and worries to normal teenage stress; whatever that was. But looking back it wasn’t that extreme as I was still doing everyday things and could switch my overthinking off even if it was just for a few hours.
The real problem I have that started a few years ago is the never ending skin picking. At first I thought it was a habit but for the past two years it’s been a huge problem that has affected my life. Whenever I have idle hands I’m constantly looking for tweezers or anything I can see in reach to pick at my skin. The endless trips to the shop having to by tweezers to satisfy my ‘addiction’.
Dermatillomania is the official name of the disorder and trust me at first the name baffled me.
It petrifies me to even think of being intimate with someone in case my scars are seen and assumptions are made. I can’t even change my top around people in case they see my many scars or the weird raised scars I have from my endless self inflicted wounds. Im constantly thinking ‘will people think i’m some kind of freak if tell them how I got them’
Knowing that I’m causing scars and irreversible damage to my skin is something that I’ve just learnt to accept. I know how wrong and damaging it is yet I can’t stop??
Whenever I see something that looks just about healed the tweezers are out again and I’m back at it. The never ending cycle starts once again.
A whole wave of anxiety hits me and I’m back at it. There was a time that I went a few weeks without any picking at all and I can honestly say I never felt better but one blip and I was back at it. The past few weeks are where I’ve learnt that old habits die hard.
All of that anxiousness is taken away once I start picking but when I finish the inevitable shitty feelings of ‘what have you done’ & ‘you’ve ruined your body’ hit.
I’m determined to stop doing it , I know I can. I now currently have zero tweezers and when I can feel myself getting anxious I’m just going to do anything/something to distract myself. I’ve got this! (I think!!)